I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
They are going to name an STD after you.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
