I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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