if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
