I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
