I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
