OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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