I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
