my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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