we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
