I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
