So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
