I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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