On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
