just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I currently don't understand fingers.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
