Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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