why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
