his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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