Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
