Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
