then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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