if i can run in heels then i can drive
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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