high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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