Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
