He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
