Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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