You don't have asthma, your pregnant
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
