hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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