I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
