we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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