youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I am naked and annoyed.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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