im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
