On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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