I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
