Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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