I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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