btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i already hear my dad disowning me
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
