Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Randomize
