Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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