If i come over, it means nothing
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
