You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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