i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
