that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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