Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
