so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
