Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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