The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
