Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
