I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
