dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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