she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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